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Annoyed

I really wish that people would just do their jobs correctly and in an efficient manner.  If I make a phone call and leave a message, and I don't get a response in three days, IT'S UNACCEPTABLE!  I'm a very patient person, but I also like to be on top of things.  When it comes to my academic life, I cannot help but be serious about it all.  It's not a place for fun, it's a place to learn.  Fun is just an extra added bonus, if it does happen.  I will speak to my finance counselor's supervisor and file a complaint.  I REFUSE to be neglected just because someone else has a hard time keeping up with their professional responsibilities.

On another note, I'm hanging out with Elizabeth tonight.  It'll be nice to see an old friend considering my lack of having a social life lately.  I've been keeping pretty busy with working at the University and the rehearsals for Joseph.  On my days off though, I'm finding myself hanging out alone.  I keep asking myself why I'm such a loner these days.  I don't really make an effort to really contact anyone to do things, but I've also noticed that I'm not being reached either.

The conclusion I've gathered is that growing older sucks when you don't have any strong ties to family or friends.  I feel like I'm in such a predicament.  I got straight A's this past semester because I worked my ass off, but my social life has really suffered because of this.  Does this mean that I'm just going to be even more alone as I get older?  *sigh*

I'm not depressed, just lonely.  Maybe I should really look into going to church and getting closer with God.  It's kinda weird that my life has come to this.  "oh, i'm lonely.  I'll go to church!" as opposed to "Oh, im lonely.  Where's the booze?".  I would just like to point out that being a good person isn't easy.  I hate having to make the righteous decision and sticking with it instead of just giving in and jumping on the bandwagon.  It's something that I have to do.  It's what Jesus would've done.  And if he can endure the worst kind of torture before dying, then I can endure this loneliness.  Here's to you, Jesus.  Thanks for dying for me.

An update on life

So an update on life.

Firstly, I'm no longer working at Fairfield Inn.  I quit March 26th and started working at the tech support department at gcu.  I like it there.  It's an easy job and I'm learning a lot about computers and how the gcu website works.  I like jobs that help me better understand something that I'm investing my time into.  The nice thing about working as a student worker is that it allows great flexibility on scheduling for when I am taking classes.  The crappy part you ask?  The pay.  8.00 an hour is not a lot of money.  I make do with what I earn though.

I got a 4.0 in my first semester of college.  The last time I received straight "A"s was in the 3rd grade.  Needless to say, it a was a huge accomplishment for me.  I made it my goal to get a 4.0 and I actually achieved it.  Let's see if I can do it a second time around. :)

I'm currently going through rehearsals for Ghostlight Theatre's production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.  I got my work cut out for me.  The show debuts June 9th.  Is it bad for me to say that I can't wait for it to be over?  Anywho, after Joseph, I'll be starting rehearsals for Scottsdale Musical Theater Company's production of Fiddler on the Roof mid June.  Woo hoo!

My back problems are still a problem.  I'm working on getting better though.  So far I'm doing Physical Therapy, have done acupuncture, massage therapy, and am taking insane amounts of ibuprofen.  I think I'm going to try chiropracty along with everything else.  I'm determined to get my back to where it was.  I can't have a career in stage performance with a bad back.

Ummm...still single.  In all honesty, I've given up on dating.  I think I'm just meant to be single, and I'm coming to terms with it.  My biggest problem right now is just that I'm pushing nearly everyone away (including friends), and I have no idea how to stop it.  I can't help but think that this world is such an awful place.  I hate the fact that I can't allow myself to trust anyone.  I hope one day it may change.  Maybe I shall seek some therapy for this issue as I don't know how to fix this.  I know it stems from some major abandonment issues, but how to resolve these issues is beyond my knowing. *sigh*

Can't I just be a normal and healthy human being?  One day I will be.  I'm always a work in progress.  Just focus on the positives and figure out how to improve on the imperfections.

Marriage

I was talking with my GM yesterday about the topic of marriage.  I'm not sure how we got onto this discussion, but it made me question the whole idea of marriage.  Is it really worth it to have marriage when so many of them end up in divorce?

How many of these marriages are a result of circumstance (ie pregnancy or arranged marriages) as opposed to the idea of getting married because you are in love with this person?  How do you know if it really IS love in the first place?  The point I'm trying to make is that it's not a guarantee.  Hardly anything is these days. With that thought, maybe marriage should come with a  30 day money-back guarantee, or be even outlawed altogether?

So many people talk about how marriage is supposed to be this sacred thing when in actuality it just corrupts you and turns you into something you don't want to be because now you have obligations.  Maybe I'm thinking too much like a gay man, but I personally think marriage is a sham.  It's a way to make people stay together otherwise we'd have lots of bastard children running around.  It's just something to keep heterosexual men and women in check.

My second family happened to be the home of the Hayes', and how I miss that life with them dearly.  I never felt more part of a family than I did with them.  Peggy and Kurt had the mom and dad thing down to the 100th power.  Their relationship with each other is what I liked about them most.  They always seemed happy around each other, and what one person was lacking in, the other made up for.  They were a team, had companionship, camaraderie, trust, friendship, and love.  I felt like an adopted son and brother being in this family's presence. 

Years after graduating high school and becoming an adult, I watched that family fall apart down to Peggy and Kurt's divorce.  I guess there is more to than what meets the eye.  I found out about a lot of things that went on, feelings that were felt, in all those years I thought that their family is what a normal family is supposed to be.  I found out a lot of it was fake, a facade that was put up when I was around.

I marraige I envied was My Aunt Nancy and Uncle Dave.  I had lived with them for about a year of my life when my dad was still in the military and was stationed in South Korea, where my mother decided she needed to be with him too.  Nancy and Dave raised me as their own and taught me a lot just in that year alone.  I  realize I was only 11, but it was the only time in my life I really felt like I belonged somewhere.  The love that they showed me was immense and genuine.  It felt RIGHT being there.  I truly believed that Dave and Nancy had it all.  They seemed so in tune with each other.  Little did I know that Dave was a cheating piece of shit and because of that the marriage failed.  I think it's fair that the woman he fell in love with died.  It's his karma for deserting such an amazing woman as Nancy.  She still doesn't know to this day that the reason their marriage failed is because he fell in love with someone else.  In knowing how fragile she is emotionally, I hope she never finds out because I truly believe this would devastate her beyond all belief.  At the same time though, I wonder if she would still be friends with Dave if she knew this....

Those who have grown up with me know the relationship I have with my father and mother.  The only thing I can really take from what they've given me is to not be the people that they are, though I see myself turning more and more into them everyday.  There is definite truth in saying that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and whatever characteristics you have are taught and are learned by your superiors.

The interesting this is I never looked up to my parents when it came to the value of marriage.  All I ever saw them do was fight and live in their own separate worlds.  They were strangers to each other in their own home.  I don't have to tell you that they eventually divorced.

So marriage....why is it necessary if more often than not it is not a guarantee?  Yes, there are certain benefits to being married, but that doesn't mean that you can't change other proclamations, laws, rules, regulations, etc.. to make it easier for those who are together but not married.  For instance, hospital visits.  Hospitals have the capability of changing their rules to let non-family visit as long as they have some form of verification that they are somehow tied to the patient.  It's completely ridiculous that they have this rule.

I think that if the government changed their outlook to make life easier for those who are not married, then maybe not so many people would feel that obligation TO get married.  These are all, of course, opinion and theory.  The only thing factual are the divorces I've mentioned.  I'm just drawing conclusions based off of my own personal experiences so I'm not expecting anyone to agree with me.  All I ask is that my opinion be respected.  Thanks!

I just dont know anymore...

My life has slowly dissipated into nothingness.  I'm so stressed out and unhappy to the point where I'm not even sure I want to continue living.  It's like nothing I do anymore is good enough.  I can barely afford to pay my bills and it seems all I do is cause financial stress on my mom.  My dad thinks I'm a loser...and I'm beginning to think that I am too.

I've lost a lot of things in the past couple of years and I just feel like nobody wants to help, or they can't even if they wanted to.  When did I become so unimportant?  Why are all these bad things happening to me?  I just don't understand it.  I'm a good person who does good things for other people.  So why do I always get the shit end of the stick?  I'm overwhelmed and I feel like I'm going to break.  I just don't want to go to a hospital because all it will do is just cost me more money that I'm not able to pay.  Part of me wishes that I would've died in that car accident I had back in November.  I just dont see a purpose for my life right now.  I've no family who REALLY cares about me,  all my friends are just living their own lives.  I'm just here...alone...and helpless.  And my mom does nothing but nag at me for money that I dont even have.

I've tried finding full time jobs but nobody is calling me for an interview.  Prolly has something to do with my misdemeanor.  If I get a full time job I cant do what I really want to do, which is go back to school.  So I guess no matter what I do I'm just never going to be content with anything in my life.  I'm just a fucking miserable waste.  No wonder why everyone always leaves me.  I dont even like the person I am right now, so why should anyone else?

I just wish I had the balls to put a bullet in my brain, but I'm afraid I'm too chicken shit to even do that.  So here's to misery.  You are and always will be my best friend.

Tick Boom Boom

Time, time to move on
it's time to find where I belong
The past offers no lesson to learn
Burdens across the board
negativity gone, the future I yearn
put my best face on, move only forward

too many years i waited for you
to come around
disappointment resulted
the only things promised were let downs

Hey mom, hi dad
you got what you wanted, so be glad
Scapegoat should have been my name
when im not around dont be mad
you only have yourselves to blame

Hey dad, hi mom
tick boom boom, went the time bomb
casualties only one...your only child
count me dead, no longer your son

fangs drawn back, claws retract
no use in making up for what you lack
unconditional love was my want
you couldn't pull through but thats okay
in your memories i'll haunt, in your memories i'll stay

Hey mom, hi dad
you got what you wanted so be glad
Scapegoat should have been my name
when im not around dont be mad
you only have yourselves to blame

Hey dad, hi mom
tick boom boom, went the time bomb
casualties only one...your only child
count me dead, no longer your son

Thank you for teaching me
to be the man I need to be
love from within can carry me out
Time heals the wounds that leaves scars
myself I will no longer doubt
So here I am updating another dismal sounding entry.  But hey, that's what life has to offer me right now and quite frankly I'm sick and tired of trying to keep a positive and upbeat attitude when everything around me is crumbling to the ground.

So from where I left off, I was going to talk about my relationship with my father.  To gain an understanding of how he is as a person (as I'm sure you're not willing to go back into my previous entries) I'm going to tell you a little bit about how much of a work of art this guy really is.  He has never really been supportive of any of my decisions in life.  All throughout my adolescence I looked up to him, and not just because I'm short - because he is my biological father.   I came out to him when I was 15 years old.  He claims he never had a problem with my sexuality, but I think it always made him uncomfortable underneath it all.  Trying to include him in my life was like mixing oil with water.  It never worked.  As much as I wanted his approval for my accomplishments, they always meant nothing to him.  I remember him saying that he didn't even think I'd graduate high school.

My parents got divorced in 2005 after being married for approximately 20 years.  With all of that going on, I made a decision to move out of state.  I came back with a mental problem three months later.  At this time I was living with my dad....I was about 19.  After coming out of the behavioral health center, the douche bag decided to kick me out of his house two days later.  That was the day I also lost my job.  I didn't speak to him or see him for 3 years.

After that three years of silence he decided to worm his way back into my life.  This decision was made because of his (current) wife.  Letting him back into my life came to be one of the biggest disappointments yet.

Ya see I was fine making things work on my own.  I was finally living on my own, had my own place, a car, a job that payed decent, and wonderful friends.  At some point of living on my own we were rebuilding a relationship that burned down to ashes.  I decided to make that decision to let him back in my life, which turned out to be a mistake.  I found out that the intention of having that father/son relationship was nothing more than a gimic to try and win over his woman because she had such strong family values.  Granted, she was a very nice woman but she should have never meddled in my father's affairs with his family.

During this foundation rebuild, Bobbi had left Dean (my father) to go back to her husband that she was in the process of divorcing in order to be with my father.  Hope that sentence didn't confuse you, but it made sense to me so I guess that's all that matters.  So for about 6 months I took the liberty in helping my father through his grieving with this because I know what it's like to lose someone you love so much that you'd do anything for.  In this particular time period I was kind of having some issues saving up money because I had debt that I needed to get paid off.

I had discussed a few things with Dean and he came to the conclusion of offering to take me in so I could save up money and pay off my bills.  I had asked him to really think about this because of what had happened last time.  I didn't want a repeat of our last attempted fiasco and to have built back this relationship all for nothing.  So he agreed at this point that it would not happen again and said "You can stay as long as you need/want to."

March of this year was the beginning of the end my relationship with Dean.  I moved in with him and honestly it was really good for a while.  He worked mornings and I worked nights, so we hardly ever saw each other so it was great.  We were never in each others way.  He started dating again with my help of counseling.  Things were good.  Our relationship was at its best for what we had done for each other.

About 2 months later, Bobbi had decided to get in touch with Dean to let him know how much she missed him and how miserable she was with her husband (because he was a drugee who physically abused her for about 20 years).  My dad has always played the 'Knight in Shining Armor" part in his story when it came to the women he cared about.  He's always been a fixer of a sort.  I don't think he knew what he was getting into with Bobbi though.  Bobbi's problems reached far beyond the britches that he could handle.

Moving forward, my dad decided to go rescue Bobbi from the antagonist of this romance story and she came to live with us.  He did ask me beforehand whether or not I was comfortable with her coming back to his home to live permanently.  At that point I just wanted nothing more than his happiness, so I told him to do as he pleases.

I got to know Bobbi really well for those few months that I was living with them.  She's a great person and has a wonderful personality, but comes with a lot of mental baggage due to her issues with alcoholism, addiction to cigarettes, and addiction to having nice things.  Ya see, her husband (the one who beat her) and her had it pretty well.  They owned a few homes, made 6 figures a year, had really nice cars, and life was good for her because she had money.  She stuck around for the beat downs because she was afraid of losing her wealth, in my opinion.  All of that money eventually dwindled because the husband decided to lie to the IRS on how much money he made.  Bankruptcy was eventually filed and she ended up with nothing but the clothes on her back.  Because of Bobbi's previous lifestyle, Dean felt like he couldn't live up to her expectations so he put himself in more debt because of her.

On June 23rd, 2010 I had lost my job because of unfair work ethics on my boss' end.  Dean had told me that he was not financially able to take care of me.  I was fine with that as I had applied for unemployment income and had that to at least sustain me with the bills I had to pay.  A week later (after telling me that he was a poor man who cant afford to take care of me) he decides to buy Bobbi a $30,000.00 car.  A Hyundai sonata I believe...and it was pretty much fully loaded except the sun/moon roof was missing.  On top of that he buys her approximately a $3000.00 engagement/wedding ring.  He also paid for her medical expenses after she tried to commit suicide in that time frame of me living with them.  To add a bit more, he spent around $1000.00 a month alone to support her drinking habit (even though she's supposedly a recovering alcoholic) and to pay for her cigarettes.  Oh..he also paid for the marriage license as well.

They got married the day that I got back from my trip to St. Louis, MO.  So after picking me up from the airport, I got ready to witness their marriage (keep in mind I had no time to nap).  I had helped counsel their relationship because they both didn't know how to communicate with each other.  Without me I think their relationship wouldn't be what it is today, and I firmly believe this.

With all the help I provided, and taking a backseat to my father's priorities, my dad decided that it was time that I left his residence in October.  He somehow came to the conclusion that I was costing him too much money when all I ever did was use the water and electricity in his house (which I was really only home to sleep and take a shower because I was constantly out and about so I wouldn't use up too much electricity or water).  I hardly ever ate his food without asking first or being offered to join them for dinner.  I took care of my own bills with the understanding that he could not take care of me.  Somehow he felt that I was nothing but a burden in his life because of my inability to be like him, because the way I live my life is more unconventional than his lifestyle.  He specifically said to me after coming home one day, "It seems like you don't care about me, you care more about your friends than you do about me, and frankly I don't care about you.  I want you out of my house in a week."  So there goes history repeating itself for a reason that was not within my control.

A week later I moved in with my mom, which turned out to be not such a great decision.  Ya see, my mom and I don't have the greatest relationship with each other as well.  She is a very religious...very christian...very born again type of woman, and because of those particular characteristics, I've never been able to have a decent relationship with her either.

During the month of living with her, things took a turn for the worse.  I somehow got gastroenteritis, which took about two weeks to fully heal from that.  A week after that I got a head cold which I'm still actually recovering from.  About a week after I got the cold I got into a car accident which totaled the car.  I found out that I didn't have GAP insurance so I'm still going to have to pay off the car loan regardless of the car's condition.  There was an incident that happened at our last Rockin Gay Cabaret show (which I was not involved in), and because of the incident the show has been canceled indefinitely.  The place I was dj'ing for the drag show got bought out so the drag show got cancelled...so there went my part time job.  And now....i'm sitting at my friends house because my mom and I had it out and it escalated to a point where I can't live with her anymore otherwise it would endanger her life.

My mother and I fought almost everyday after the car accident because she cared more about her insurance rates raising than she did about my physical well being.  We even got into an argument the night of the accident which she concluded in saying "Sometimes I wish I were dead so  I wouldn't have to worry about taking care of you anymore."  What a great thing for a parent to say to their only child.  And she wonders why I dislike her so much.

So now....I'm jobless, carless, homeless, and my friends can't help me even if they wanted to.  I packed what I could carry in duffel bags out of my mom's and have plans to move to tucson to move in with a guy I barely know because I have no other solution at this point in time.

I got my tarot card reading done and apparently my bad luck streak isn't over.  All I can say is that life sucks and I can only hope things will go up from here.  I have nothing now, so it can't possibly get any worse right?  I'll update once I'm in Tucson.  Thanks for reading whoever is out there in cyberland.  -Brett